she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
