I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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