She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
