Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
