whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I met the friendliest cop last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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