I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
