"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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