guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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