i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
