i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
MIDGETS
????
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
