I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
