I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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