you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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