my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
