Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
