I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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