I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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