Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
