this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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