I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
