I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Be still, my beating vagina.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
