anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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