Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
