I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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