I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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