When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
