He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
