paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
