Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
