Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize