you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
