If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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