that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
