This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
