Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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