so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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