so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
