if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
