Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
