nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize