If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Everyone says I win the strip club
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
