it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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