the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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