Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
it's like iHOP with fire
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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