I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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