dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
