Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
