I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
