It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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