Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
