I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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