Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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