...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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