I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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