It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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