just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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