I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
