Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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