The maid of honor just puked.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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